&& i wish you were here with me tonight

a little too horny for my own good;;

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 07:21:40 GMT

god damn it. i want to have sex. lmao. i think im becoming a nimpho? oh god. i hope not. lmao. i really want it right now though. i just got off my period. mwahhhahhaha. not that anyone wanted to know that.

my moms gonna be gone tomorrow...russ could soooo easily come over. but he's not fucking answering his damn phone. and david's not answering his either. so all my methods of getting a hold of him are shot down. :( i dont thikn im going to get a hold of him tonight. haha. you shoudl see the texts ive sent him tonight. lmao.

cate:
why arent you answering your phone? i need to ask you a question :P
cate:
its not a bad question..its a really good question. so loser, answer me when i call. or text me back.
cate:
urghh. just answer your phoneeee. all i want ot ask is if you want to come over and have sex tomorrow. geeeeez. my moms gonna be at work.
cate:
you are such a loserr. your not answering your phone. guess that means you wont come over and have sex. how rudeee. im getting frustrated
cate:
trying to get ahold of you i think im going to give up and then have you feel disappointed becausey ou missed out on sex :) :P so ANSWER lol

and i can guarnatee you ill try again, this time leaving a voicemail. and then. *sigh* ill be all alone tomorrow :( wanting sex. and i hate hate hate hate hate masturbating. i think its pointless. *sigh* i want russell. he better answer damn soon. lmao. if he doesnt. RAWR. he's going to have a horny beast on his hands. well, either way he will. its just how much. MWAHAHA.

oh wow. im sure you watned to read this ;) haha.

&& ABC ,,, easy as 123. not really.

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 20:30:46 GMT

okay. so im going through my old notes from my 2nd counseling session. and heres something i need to read fairly often. so im going to place it here. and maybe it would help someone else. i dont know.

one of my problems was the fact that russell had his arm around christina. and i didnt like that - at all. from the prehistoric view - it makes her feel powerful because she can attract the attention of a guy. specifically her friends boyfriend. i said "well, they say they're just friends and russ doesnt think anything of it." birch said "of course he doesnt, he's a guy, and not to be mean but guys are as dumb as a sack of rocks. but the girl, she is feeling successful because she can attract the attention of a guy. no when you say the issue is them you're saying its their fault. your if you're saying hey shouldnt do this, then what you're doing is sending the blame on him. Never get caught up in the he should do this or you should do this. should's will never happen. Instead of freaking out, think ABC. It's really that simple. When a problem occurs, take a moment, think what is the ACTUAL PROBLEM (a), then look at the two B's. what can i change about my BELIEFS and BEHAVIORS. and the c is the CONSEQUENCE. A lot of people want to go straight from A to C. but you need to have both the B's to get there. so take your previous situation for example. your boyfriend and this girl are walking like that togther. what is the actual problem? well, the problem is how your boyfriend is paying her that kind of attention. now, what does she get out of this? she's getting hte attention of a boyf, and no less the boyfriend of a friend. Plus she's got you jealous. To which you tell your boyfriend "you cant walk with her like that." Now, who have you given control of your life to? yeah, you've given it to your boyfriend and this girl. which is something powerful. it makes her feel powerful deep down. so instead of handing control to them what do you do?" and i said "umm. realize he doesnt mean anything by it?" he goes "oh, you're too nice. i would be mean. no you change your beliefs and behaviors. you're a pretty young woman. you can get the attention of any guy you want. so instead of feeling jealous, go and attract the attention of other young men. now im not saying go out and flirt tremendously, but being realy nice and getting guys to notice you will give the power back to you. your boyfriend will say he doesnt care, but deep down he really does." and i said "i dont like doing that because i feel if i dont want him to, then i shouldnt either." and he goes " thats all fine if Russ isnt doing anything...but if he is..." so basically i was given the ABBC assignment and im supposed to use it. chose the consequences i want and base my actions off of that.

makes tons of sense huh? well. i need to remember to do all of that more. lol. and i need to go catch a bus to bre's.

&& if i dont think too much everything is okay.

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 08:37:38 GMT

yeah. so i dont know. maybe my life isnt complete without something going wrong? i find the stupidest things to obsess over, and they consume my life completely. i mean, everything should be completely fine - but for some reason my mind literally thinks of things to get worried or upset over. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

for example. everythigns going good. i want to talk to russ last night. so i clal him when i get off work. he doesnt answer. no big deal. i call brandon because i promised him i'd call. we talked for around an hour or so. i get off the phone, i really want to hear russell's voice. so i call him. and he says he cant talk because he's on his way to jesse's house where he's spending the night. and im like oh. and he goes yeah. so i cant really talk now. and im like "ugh. ok. whatever." and its like gah. i could hit myself. why the fuck do i do that? why cant i just feel it, and not say anything? why cant i just let it pass? everythings fine. and then he goes "are you mad at me?" and im like "no. i swear im not." and he goes "you sound like it..." and i go "no, its just, you had me call you tonight...and then you dont even want to talk." and he's like "I just wanted to tell you goodnight." and im like "yeah." and he goes "so ill talk to you later." and im like "yeah. ill talk to you tomorrow i guess." and then a pause. and then he goes "ill talk to you later means goodbye." and im like "uhh i know. i just said ill talk to you tomorrow then." and he's like "ok. love you." and yeah. so then today i text him, and he doesnt text back....fine, thats cool. he's in saturday school i know he's not allowed to use his phone. so then i go to hurricane ridge. and when i get to my grandmas house after that, i call him. he doesnt answer. i try again about ten minutes later. no answer. leave a voicemail to call me back. my aunt calls to say she's on her way to pick me up for work (this is an hour after the voicemail.) no call from him. i call him. no answer. what the crap? i go to work. come home. call him. phones off. UGH. i cant win. bet you he wont be at church tomorrow either. did i do something wrong? is he avoiding me? or is it just a coincidence? UGH UGH UGH. see what i mean? i obsess. nothing should be wrong. but im stressing.

hmm. other than that im feeling pretty good. i need a life besides work. wendys consumes my life. its kind of sad really. oh well. softball starts in two weeks. my god. i need to start running really bad. that'll be a good thing. oh well. im running out of things to say.

♥ for the first time in my life;;most things make sense...

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 07:44:56 GMT

things have been going so so good recently. maybe thats just because i spent an awesome day/night alone with russell. i know now that i made the best decision i could have ever made. i love him with all my heart. sure, i feel bad i broke brandons heart....but...idk. i dont really like him that much anymore. which is a good thing, because now he can get over me.

i wish russell would plan something for valentines day. i wish he would. but its goign to be me like always. and i cant say anything, because he always feels like a shitty boyfriend when i bring it up. can i help it that im a girl, and i feel like i want a romantic night out? should it always be me planning thigns? ugh. i dont know. should i even try? AHH. i dont know. im confused. but oh well. i know that no matter what, im goibg to end up happy. sure, ill be sad for a bit if russ doesnt take me out, but ill live.

its weird. i feel like crying, yet its a good day. the varsity coach called me and im pretty much guaranteed a varsity spot. :) hopefully its really true. but whatever. hmm. im feeling like some wisers right about now.

rachel, am i crazy about the valentines day thing? am i? oh, and russell read me one of his raps he made when he was really pissed off after we broke up for good....its really angry. and like, yeah. he talks about how i was his everything, and he cant believe he lost me, and how he's angry because this guy wants to step in and take his place, and how he'll follow me wherever and i better hope he's there waiting for me when im through with brandon. and yeah. it like showed me his real feelings he said in it that it felt like his heart had been ripped out of him....it was intense.

well, its almost midnight and i have math homework. i should get off.